What is empathy?

“It is the ability to understand how the other person feels in his or her world- empathy is not the ability to assume how you would feel in the other person’s situation, nor your knowledge of how other people have felt in the situation.” (Mearns, D p 112 Person-Centred Counselling Training, Sage 2010) Developing empathy is not an easy task and it takes a lot of practice. It is not sympathy. Imagine you walk past a big black hole in the street and hear somebody down at the bottom, shouting for help. If you take a look down at them and say, “Gosh, it looks really dark and scary down there.” you are sympathising with them. However, if you jump down into the hole and stand beside them as they experience being down in the hole, you are more likely to empathise with them. It is difficult to describe in words how it feels to reach a level of understanding between counsellor and client where empathy is clearly working. I have been teaching an empathy laboratory this weekend to my intensely-reflective Professional Counselling students. By taking the role of counsellor, client and observer in turn, they can learn a great deal about what is and what isn't empathy. They have been developing their skills for several years now, including becoming as self-aware as possible, but it is still very important for them to keep training in how best to “get beside the client” and try to understand their world in order to help them find alternative ways to look at things or new ways of reacting which could benefit them. Developing empathy is probably the most important skill to learn as a counsellor. Although it is vital to learn about the various approaches and techniques to counselling, it is the quality and depth of the relationship between the client and the counsellor which is seen to be the most useful outcome for effective counselling.

It's all Greek to me!

It's so much easier to use all your senses when you go somewhere different. Skyros Island is no exception - the brightness of the light and the vivid colour of exotic flowers renewed my sight; the sound of the waves, the wind and the cicadas caught my ears. Wonderful herbs and cooking smells made me remember my nose! The taste of fresh juicy oranges, nectarines, peppers and aubergines revived my taste buds, and most of all I felt the rocks beneath my feet as I climbed the hills each day. There are no cars in the village, so walking is de rigueur - and you walk a lot if you want to go to the beach, visit the shops and bars, take in some of the scenery. In the intense heat, walking is quite an onerous experience. But this was just one part of this amazing break.

Going on a writing workshop for my summer holiday was the best possible change for me. Looking at things differently, talking about stories and how to tell them, hearing about ordinary lives made extraordinary in the telling - all this was invigorating and refreshing! I loved working with Aminatta Forna, author of The Devil that Danced on Water, Ancestor Stones and The Memory of Love. She explained what creative non-fiction is, and taught us how to use Proper Nouns to illustrate a piece, she showed us how making a time-line for a relationship could bring life to characters and she used music to remind us of times gone by.

I hope to finally bring discipline to my writing, which is a hobby I have enjoyed all my life. Doing something you enjoy but perhaps have forgotten about or put to one side for one reason or another can help you put things back into perspective! What did you do for your summer holiday?

Is your life in balance?

The more presentations I give and the more time I spend doing physical activity the more I realize just how much benefit physical health brings to the rest of your life. I have banged on before about the RED lifestyle (R for relaxation, E for exercise and D for diet) as being the basis for good health, including mental health. There are countless research studies which demonstrate how the mind reacts to the body and vice-versa (see anything, for example by Jon Kabat Zinn on psychosomatic illness) so it makes good sense that treating your body "like a temple" will stimulate the mind into giving its best performance.

It is not just about reaching a neutral status of fitness which allows you to feel good. I find that my best ideas come to me when out running or swimming. A bounty of creativity seems to well up when my body has gone into that automated state of motion, where the mind is literally free to wander in every direction. Other people say that physical activity is the best way to solve problem, as difficult decisions get easier when you are engaged in doing rather than sitting and thinking. Finally, physical activity is brilliant for alleviating stress, anxiety and depression. It is a question of finding the right activity for you. Some people love running, others prefer dancing or even skipping, It is worth thinking back to yourself as a child and remembering what you loved to do then, as it will often be the same type of activity. Letting yourself go into spontaneous child-like movement is not bad thing either. Next time you hear some music you like on the radio, dance round the house (reminiscent of Hugh Grant in Love actually!) - you will be amazed by how good it feels! Just let yourself go and see where it takes you.

I don't need therapy.......do I?

The world of therapy - call it counselling or coaching or one of many other names - is growing all the time. You only have to flick through a newspaper or cast your eye over the magazine rack in a newsagent's to see its popularity in wider and more varying ways. Why? Are we all more conscious of our worries these days? Becoming too introspective? Is the world getting harder to live in?

I would argue that our interest in psychology and therapy is knowledge-driven. Mobiles and the internet mean that knowledge is significantly more accessible to us all. We are all interested in ourselves (sorry, it's true!) and so self-awareness comes high on the agenda, along with striving for a better life.

Finding out that a favourite celebrity is suffering from severe anxiety or depression means that the taboo against talking about mental health is slowly diminishing. I say slowly because mental health in the workplace is still far from being taboo. Reporting in sick with a mental illness is often not an option, as people fear being labelled by their bosses and colleagues with tags like "crazy", "mad" and lately, "having a melt-down". A tag that can never be removed.

No wonder people don't like to admit they are seeking counselling. It is preferable by some to seek "coaching" as this points to a business-like approach to improving their work skills. Different approaches work for different people and it is more often about finding the right person to help (be they a coach, a counsellor or a mentor) than the methodology itself.

I think we all need help at times in this busy whirlwind work life we have created for ourselves. When taking a break from work for lunch becomes "impossible", or having a holiday now and again sounds like a forgotten dream, it's time to stop and think: What happened? When did things change? Why do I feel like a hamster on a wheel? Maybe it's time to find a good therapist.......

The King's Stammer

The new film, "The KIng's Speech" is a delight to watch and also a stunning piece of social history. It also brings home to the audience how very difficult it is to speak with a stammer. This morning on BBC Breakfast television, the Chair of the British Stammering Association, Leys Geddes, came to speak about the film and its influence on the British public. What struck me again (as I have written about this before) was how we, as a society, expect everyone to get their message across in double quick time. We are so used to high-speed communication that we interrupt if we are not receiving information quickly enough to suit our multi-tasking world!

I am sure everyone watching Breakfast noticed how the presenters just had to slow down, they had to be patient and wait for Leys to finish his sentences. Otherwise they would have been seen as very insensitive and over bearing. Perhaps people with stammers can teach the rest of us to savour each word we hear, to listen without interrupting before the end of a sentence, to wait patiently for the end of a phrase and to reflect on what they hear. These are things we seem to find difficult, possibly untenable, particularly in business. Think about your conduct on the phone: if there is a silence for more than a millisecond you feel the need to fill it, and a sentence is hardly finished before the interlocator (good word that!) intercepts with their contribution to the conversation.

I hope "The King's Speech" does indeed bring attention to people who stammer, and perhaps allow them a stronger voice. It is only by listening completely and effectively that we can ever hope to understand others.

Finally feeling human again

I had a bout of flu or something nasty, which kept coming and going like a boomerang. I am finally back to feeling human enough to use my fingertips! I have been musing about New Year. I prefer this time - about mid-January - to New Year itself. There seem to be so many assumptions and expectations for New Year, that one moment., and the moment never seems to be as interesting as it should be! As a child, I used to hide behind the sofa as mid-night approached, calling out to my parents, "See you next year hee-hee!" because I was convinced that something dramatic would happen as the clock struck twelve. I wasn't nervous, just anticipatory! I thought the world might blow up and I would find myself somewhere completely different!

Yes, I love that quiet time in January, when everyone and everything is supposed to be silenced and recovering from all the celebrations. I suddenly feel motivated to clear out my cupboards, and clear out my mind. Having got over the crazy rush or working and shopping before Christmas, you can finally find time to relax, and to think, to reflect deeply and to throw loads of things in the bin. I love it! It clears the way for me to decide what I am going to do this year. I have decided on two major things in 2011: I am going to Mexico finally. My brother has lived there for 25 years, and I am ashamed to say I have never visited him. At first, it was because the children were small and Mexico City was too polluted, then there was too much going on with their studies, my work etc and I didn't get round to it, but now the time has come! The other major thing is quite a different journey. I am going to do the Hoffman Process. You may have read about it in journal articles. It is a ten-day psychological course, which explores your past in depth and takes you to places you probably never wanted to go, but being the curious sort of person I am, I have to do it! Apart from this, I have the usual New Year's resolutions, like everyone else. Why do we suddenly feel so virtuous because it is January? I would love to know if you have plans for 2011 - do tell if you dare!

How was your day at work dear?

When was the last time you spoke in depth about your job? Apart from a brief reference to the latest office gossip, what was on the lunch menu, or the fact that the photocopier broke down AGAIN, do you ever talk to your nearest and dearest about the details that fill so many hours of your life? The minutae of a person's work day are articulately recorded and debated in terms of beauty, creativity and something to be proud of, in Alain de Botton's book, "The Pleasures and Sorrows of Work". This book was inspired when the author noted the passion of a few ship spotters who watch industrial ships pass by on their journey, and were intrigued enough by the size and design of such a transporter, that they were willing to spend their free time sitting in the rain with nothing but a thermos for company.

Work is often dismissed as something to get out of the way, something to escape, something to complain about. Yet in these days of growing unemployment and redundancy, perhaps the value of work should be changing. There are always those who are admired for their achievements, be they exceptionally rich or famous, but what of the ordinary everyday worker, the smallest cogs that contribute to the wheel of life?

When I worked in HR, one of my duties was to do a "desk audit". If someone requested an upgrade, part of the process was to sit with the person at their desk while they showed me exactly what they did all day, demonstrating with documents, samples of their work and talking me through their duties. I got the feeling they loved being able to do this and surely never had another opportunity to chat as much about themselves! I found it far more interesting than you might credit. I particularly remember the Chief Editor at WHO, who was fascinated by her job screening every word, phrase and paragraph in great tomes of medical health jargon. I could not imagine a less stimulating job but she adored it!

Alain de Botton has been brave in opening up a new world of interest for his readers. As he points out, hundreds of years ago people knew exactly who made everything they owned and where it came from, but nowadays such is the complexity and the weaving journey of materials in our world, you would be hard pressed to say where anything in your house was made and by whom! It's interesting to stop and think about the work that goes on behind us sometimes. What do you think?