Listening is probably the skill I use most as a counsellor. I often think clients come for counselling just because they need a "good listening to".
I asked my students at an "Introduction to Counselling" session last week to do an exercise where they took it in turns to talk for a few minutes on any subject that interests them, while their partner listened. The most important part of the exercise was that the listener was to close their eyes and not to utter a word or even a sound. The students found this was a very interesting exercise from both points of view. It felt strange not having any interaction, and some of them felt very lonely without the social cues we are used to hearing and seeing while we talk, whatever the context or the subject matter. Some people felt compelled to talk quickly, for fear they would run out of time before they had finished what they wanted to say. The listeners felt very awkward and frustrated, not being able to react. However, some people enjoyed the luxury of talking and being listened to, without constraint.
In our discussions afterwards, we spoke about the way people talk and listen to each other nowadays in general everyday life. It seems rare to feel that you are genuinely being listened to. We need to rush through conversations at work, or even at home, because there is so much else to do. Getting to the end of a sentence is unusual, you expect to be interrupted, especially on the phone. Is it because we are so tuned in to multi-tasking, that we can't complete a conversation before we move on to the next? Is the art of conversation dying? I would love to hear your views.
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One of the most important lessons i have learnt in listening .... keep your distance, don't drive too close to that van in front....you can see so much more, pick up early subtle cues and allow others to keep their line, unintimidated, not pressed.
ReplyDeleteI feel there is so much about driving that is analogous to counselling, like being so focused on clutch and gears to the detriment of steering and seeing where you are going. When we listen to someone's unique and precious experiences, its often not the words that matter, but more the feelings that wind through them, that can be missed if we are too close and literal.
I find the best listeners, really take their time when speaking, often picking a few words with great care, .... maybe in triplets...... then a pause .....then a few more.......so easy to digest.
I think good conversation is about how we listen, and less about words. It is about being genuinely present for another, exclusively, and valuing their view point even if you might not agree. It isn't very common in everyday, but is a wonderful gift to share.