Monday 17 October 2011
What is empathy?
“It is the ability to understand how the other person feels in his or her world- empathy is not the ability to assume how you would feel in the other person’s situation, nor your knowledge of how other people have felt in the situation.” (Mearns, D p 112 Person-Centred Counselling Training, Sage 2010)
Developing empathy is not an easy task and it takes a lot of practice. It is not sympathy. Imagine you walk past a big black hole in the street and hear somebody down at the bottom, shouting for help. If you take a look down at them and say, “Gosh, it looks really dark and scary down there.” you are sympathising with them. However, if you jump down into the hole and stand beside them as they experience being down in the hole, you are more likely to empathise with them.
It is difficult to describe in words how it feels to reach a level of understanding between counsellor and client where empathy is clearly working. I have been teaching an empathy laboratory this weekend to my intensely-reflective Professional Counselling students. By taking the role of counsellor, client and observer in turn, they can learn a great deal about what is and what isn't empathy. They have been developing their skills for several years now, including becoming as self-aware as possible, but it is still very important for them to keep training in how best to “get beside the client” and try to understand their world in order to help them find alternative ways to look at things or new ways of reacting which could benefit them.
Developing empathy is probably the most important skill to learn as a counsellor. Although it is vital to learn about the various approaches and techniques to counselling, it is the quality and depth of the relationship between the client and the counsellor which is seen to be the most useful outcome for effective counselling.
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ReplyDelete..... to attempt to enter into the other's phenomenology, to 'wear their experiencing'. But it will still be you, just trying it on, feeling its weight and tightness, where it digs in and rubs raw, getting some feeling of how it is for them. This must be one of the most precious qualities of being human, and an incredible feat of abstract thought, to project ourselves partly into someone else's centredness, as a construct, borrowing on bits and pieces of our own life, improvising and interpolating like an impressionist painting.
ReplyDeleteSympathy may not be wanted or helpful, in expressing pity, judging how bad the plight .... looking in to the hole to confirm (from a safe place) "its a hell of a long way down there, looks pretty grim to me!"
Empathy is an essential first step, the only way to truly be invited alongside the distress of a client, to really accept and value them. But on its own, although its very comforting to not be alone now, and it should help illuminate the dark down there, clarify where you are at, together ..... will it enable the 'actualising tendency', and see them climb out of the hole with their own hands and feet?
Sometimes it works like that, sooner or later .... but sometimes it is inconvenient, and there can be a growing desperation to escape that frightening or painful place! This where therapeutic approaches start to sharply diverge it seems to me, and even argue amongst themselves who knows the way up.
But they would all be lost without empathy. You cannot learn it, buy it ... and a big question of whether you can 'repair' it ... not sure you can even objectively measure it (would be a great bit of prime research). But feel it, yes, absolutely!