How was your day at work dear?

When was the last time you spoke in depth about your job? Apart from a brief reference to the latest office gossip, what was on the lunch menu, or the fact that the photocopier broke down AGAIN, do you ever talk to your nearest and dearest about the details that fill so many hours of your life? The minutae of a person's work day are articulately recorded and debated in terms of beauty, creativity and something to be proud of, in Alain de Botton's book, "The Pleasures and Sorrows of Work". This book was inspired when the author noted the passion of a few ship spotters who watch industrial ships pass by on their journey, and were intrigued enough by the size and design of such a transporter, that they were willing to spend their free time sitting in the rain with nothing but a thermos for company.

Work is often dismissed as something to get out of the way, something to escape, something to complain about. Yet in these days of growing unemployment and redundancy, perhaps the value of work should be changing. There are always those who are admired for their achievements, be they exceptionally rich or famous, but what of the ordinary everyday worker, the smallest cogs that contribute to the wheel of life?

When I worked in HR, one of my duties was to do a "desk audit". If someone requested an upgrade, part of the process was to sit with the person at their desk while they showed me exactly what they did all day, demonstrating with documents, samples of their work and talking me through their duties. I got the feeling they loved being able to do this and surely never had another opportunity to chat as much about themselves! I found it far more interesting than you might credit. I particularly remember the Chief Editor at WHO, who was fascinated by her job screening every word, phrase and paragraph in great tomes of medical health jargon. I could not imagine a less stimulating job but she adored it!

Alain de Botton has been brave in opening up a new world of interest for his readers. As he points out, hundreds of years ago people knew exactly who made everything they owned and where it came from, but nowadays such is the complexity and the weaving journey of materials in our world, you would be hard pressed to say where anything in your house was made and by whom! It's interesting to stop and think about the work that goes on behind us sometimes. What do you think?

Have you got a Fairy Godmother?

Do you remember those cute little Walt Disney fairies, floating above Cinderella, wielding their wands, sprinkling magic powder and helping Cinderella's dreams come true? Whenever Cinderella felt a bit down (ie she couldn't find an appropriate song to sing) or needed to be assertive (stand up to her ugly sisters) or couldn't find a thing to wear (no ball dresses in her wardrobe!) those FGMs swooped in to help and guide her, and everything turned out alright.

I have several FGMs. They are essential to me when I need help in solving a problem, making a tough decision or simply in thinking things through clearly. When you have been ruminating in circles about something and don't know who to ask, having an FGM is so helpful. Thinking back, I have always had FGMs but didn't really recognize what they were until recently. My first FGM was Mrs Stoner, my piano teacher. We spent more time talking than playing the piano. She told me tales of life in a Belgian boarding school, (where she had to wear a gown in the bath in case she saw her own body!) while I told her about my awful Maths teacher and asked about boyfriend troubles.

Nowadays my FGMs come from different walks of life and I have met them through work, study and hobbies. What makes them different to friends? They are friends, but they also have a very wise stance and they help me think out of the box. They tend to have lots of useful experience and be good listeners, as well as having plenty of empathy. They are always there for me, even though often separated geographically, they seem to know when they need to come swooping in and help me. So far I haven't seen any magic wands or magic powder, but I'm sure they will produce them one day when really needed - maybe if my car is about to turn into a pumpkin?! Are you lucky enough to have a Fairy God Mother?

Are you really listening?

Listening is probably the skill I use most as a counsellor. I often think clients come for counselling just because they need a "good listening to".

I asked my students at an "Introduction to Counselling" session last week to do an exercise where they took it in turns to talk for a few minutes on any subject that interests them, while their partner listened. The most important part of the exercise was that the listener was to close their eyes and not to utter a word or even a sound. The students found this was a very interesting exercise from both points of view. It felt strange not having any interaction, and some of them felt very lonely without the social cues we are used to hearing and seeing while we talk, whatever the context or the subject matter. Some people felt compelled to talk quickly, for fear they would run out of time before they had finished what they wanted to say. The listeners felt very awkward and frustrated, not being able to react. However, some people enjoyed the luxury of talking and being listened to, without constraint.

In our discussions afterwards, we spoke about the way people talk and listen to each other nowadays in general everyday life. It seems rare to feel that you are genuinely being listened to. We need to rush through conversations at work, or even at home, because there is so much else to do. Getting to the end of a sentence is unusual, you expect to be interrupted, especially on the phone. Is it because we are so tuned in to multi-tasking, that we can't complete a conversation before we move on to the next? Is the art of conversation dying? I would love to hear your views.

Wonder woman syndrome: having it all?

Up at the crack of dawn, getting yourself and the family ready for the day, snatching a quick coffee, blazing down the road to get to shcool, then work. Multi-tasking all morning: meetings, e-mail, emergencies, urgencies, phone calls, lunch at desk if you are lucky, squeeze in quick trip to gym after sneaking out of work ten minutes early, to stop feeling guilty about that Twix you grabbed earlier, whiz round supermarket and get mad about having to wait for a dear old lady in the queue in front of you to find her change, use the time to do a few pelvic floor exercises and plan supper, mad dash through rush-hour traffic to child-minder's, just manage to get there on the dot of six, rush home, make supper but realize there is one vital ingredient missing - rice - phone hubbie to ask, beg him to stop on way home to buy some rice, manage to feed kids, do homework with them, switch on TV news, re-heat part of supper while cooking late rice arrival, eat semi-dried up supper, bath kids, who have by now watched double their ration of TV for the day, feel guilty again, so read them one of their favourite (too long) stories, say goodnight, pack bags for tomorrow and do a quick laundry wash, hang up clothes which have been in machine for three days, clear up kitchen, sit down on sofa to finally relax, and realize what the time is - must get to bed or will be exhausted tomorrow!

Does this sound like you or someone you know? Are you suffering from wonder woman syndrome?

If you are still worrying too much.....

Ten questions to ask yourself !

1. Can you pause and do something different?
2. What are your symptoms and can you relieve them?
3. Is negative self-talk making you feel worse?
4. Are you trying too hard to be perfect?
5. Are you multi-tasking without focus?
6. Is a control issue involved?
7. Are you taking on too much?
8. Are you being assertive enough?
9. When was the last time you relaxed or did some exercise?
10. Can you see the big picture clearly?

Worrying is in the past!

Do you find that since you had children you tend to worry more? Anxieties are linked to past or future events. You either worry about something you have said or done - "did I teach him to say please?" or about something which hasn't happened yet, "How's he going to do at his new school?" If you can focus on the present, whether it's taking the kids to school or writing a difficult e-mail, solving a problem or putting out a fire, anxiety won't be driving you. Getting into the habit of leaving your mobile phone off while you enjoy a meal, or only answering e-mail at pre-planned times of the day, you will be able to concentrate better by being single-minded, rather than multi-tasking.

Going back to those questions you ask yourself when you are anxious, do they start with an "Oh, no" thought or feeling. A negative experience in your past will leave an indelible impression on you which comes back as a bad feeling every time you are in a similar situation. For example, if you used to get into trouble for being late for school every morning, you received a message which told you "You must not be late: only bad children are late." In later life, whenever you think there is a possibility you could be late to work, you get one of those "Oh, no" feelings which throws you into an anxious panic. Your anxiety stops you from thinking straight, and probably makes you late anyway.

You can re-train yourself to treat those feelings more rationally and positively and cut down both on anxiety and on being late! Replace that "Oh no" feeling with a different thought, like "I can be on time. I'm usually punctual, and even if I am a little late it won't be the end of the world." Negative self-talk is a bad habit which you can change in the same way as smoking or eating too much chocolate. It's not easy because these habits are deeply embedded, but it is possible. Counselling can help you with this. Think about the positive outcomes of changing the habit - you will worry less and start living more!

Sally Storr works as a psychotherapist and career counsellor and dealing with anxiety is of special interest to her.

Living in the moment

What is mindfulness? There isn't a short answer, but it's about living in the moment. Not for the moment, because that implies each and every moment is wonderful, and it is not. It's about being present, being aware of what is happening and recognizing this, without judgement and without needing to change it or act on it.

We are so tied up with our busy lives, that we barely have time to stop and think about anything, it's always about doing. If you become mindful, you focus on what you are doing without distraction. Mindfulness meditation involves becoming aware of yourself at your most restful, just focusing all your senses on your own breathe, the centre of your life. It is a very useful exercise in getting back to basics, understanding why we are here and in sorting out who we are.

Find a quiet spot and do this exercise without thinking of anything else: take a raisin (or another very small, insignificant dried fruit). Give it all your attention for a full minute. Look at it, hold it up to the light, notice its colour, its texture, listen to it, smell it, feel it, and finally bite into it. It will taste like a small explosion in your mouth.

Why do I want you to do this? How can one small raisin teach you anything useful in the context of reducing anxiety? You will have to wait until tomorrow to find out.