What is empathy?

“It is the ability to understand how the other person feels in his or her world- empathy is not the ability to assume how you would feel in the other person’s situation, nor your knowledge of how other people have felt in the situation.” (Mearns, D p 112 Person-Centred Counselling Training, Sage 2010) Developing empathy is not an easy task and it takes a lot of practice. It is not sympathy. Imagine you walk past a big black hole in the street and hear somebody down at the bottom, shouting for help. If you take a look down at them and say, “Gosh, it looks really dark and scary down there.” you are sympathising with them. However, if you jump down into the hole and stand beside them as they experience being down in the hole, you are more likely to empathise with them. It is difficult to describe in words how it feels to reach a level of understanding between counsellor and client where empathy is clearly working. I have been teaching an empathy laboratory this weekend to my intensely-reflective Professional Counselling students. By taking the role of counsellor, client and observer in turn, they can learn a great deal about what is and what isn't empathy. They have been developing their skills for several years now, including becoming as self-aware as possible, but it is still very important for them to keep training in how best to “get beside the client” and try to understand their world in order to help them find alternative ways to look at things or new ways of reacting which could benefit them. Developing empathy is probably the most important skill to learn as a counsellor. Although it is vital to learn about the various approaches and techniques to counselling, it is the quality and depth of the relationship between the client and the counsellor which is seen to be the most useful outcome for effective counselling.

It's all Greek to me!

It's so much easier to use all your senses when you go somewhere different. Skyros Island is no exception - the brightness of the light and the vivid colour of exotic flowers renewed my sight; the sound of the waves, the wind and the cicadas caught my ears. Wonderful herbs and cooking smells made me remember my nose! The taste of fresh juicy oranges, nectarines, peppers and aubergines revived my taste buds, and most of all I felt the rocks beneath my feet as I climbed the hills each day. There are no cars in the village, so walking is de rigueur - and you walk a lot if you want to go to the beach, visit the shops and bars, take in some of the scenery. In the intense heat, walking is quite an onerous experience. But this was just one part of this amazing break.

Going on a writing workshop for my summer holiday was the best possible change for me. Looking at things differently, talking about stories and how to tell them, hearing about ordinary lives made extraordinary in the telling - all this was invigorating and refreshing! I loved working with Aminatta Forna, author of The Devil that Danced on Water, Ancestor Stones and The Memory of Love. She explained what creative non-fiction is, and taught us how to use Proper Nouns to illustrate a piece, she showed us how making a time-line for a relationship could bring life to characters and she used music to remind us of times gone by.

I hope to finally bring discipline to my writing, which is a hobby I have enjoyed all my life. Doing something you enjoy but perhaps have forgotten about or put to one side for one reason or another can help you put things back into perspective! What did you do for your summer holiday?

Is your life in balance?

The more presentations I give and the more time I spend doing physical activity the more I realize just how much benefit physical health brings to the rest of your life. I have banged on before about the RED lifestyle (R for relaxation, E for exercise and D for diet) as being the basis for good health, including mental health. There are countless research studies which demonstrate how the mind reacts to the body and vice-versa (see anything, for example by Jon Kabat Zinn on psychosomatic illness) so it makes good sense that treating your body "like a temple" will stimulate the mind into giving its best performance.

It is not just about reaching a neutral status of fitness which allows you to feel good. I find that my best ideas come to me when out running or swimming. A bounty of creativity seems to well up when my body has gone into that automated state of motion, where the mind is literally free to wander in every direction. Other people say that physical activity is the best way to solve problem, as difficult decisions get easier when you are engaged in doing rather than sitting and thinking. Finally, physical activity is brilliant for alleviating stress, anxiety and depression. It is a question of finding the right activity for you. Some people love running, others prefer dancing or even skipping, It is worth thinking back to yourself as a child and remembering what you loved to do then, as it will often be the same type of activity. Letting yourself go into spontaneous child-like movement is not bad thing either. Next time you hear some music you like on the radio, dance round the house (reminiscent of Hugh Grant in Love actually!) - you will be amazed by how good it feels! Just let yourself go and see where it takes you.

I don't need therapy.......do I?

The world of therapy - call it counselling or coaching or one of many other names - is growing all the time. You only have to flick through a newspaper or cast your eye over the magazine rack in a newsagent's to see its popularity in wider and more varying ways. Why? Are we all more conscious of our worries these days? Becoming too introspective? Is the world getting harder to live in?

I would argue that our interest in psychology and therapy is knowledge-driven. Mobiles and the internet mean that knowledge is significantly more accessible to us all. We are all interested in ourselves (sorry, it's true!) and so self-awareness comes high on the agenda, along with striving for a better life.

Finding out that a favourite celebrity is suffering from severe anxiety or depression means that the taboo against talking about mental health is slowly diminishing. I say slowly because mental health in the workplace is still far from being taboo. Reporting in sick with a mental illness is often not an option, as people fear being labelled by their bosses and colleagues with tags like "crazy", "mad" and lately, "having a melt-down". A tag that can never be removed.

No wonder people don't like to admit they are seeking counselling. It is preferable by some to seek "coaching" as this points to a business-like approach to improving their work skills. Different approaches work for different people and it is more often about finding the right person to help (be they a coach, a counsellor or a mentor) than the methodology itself.

I think we all need help at times in this busy whirlwind work life we have created for ourselves. When taking a break from work for lunch becomes "impossible", or having a holiday now and again sounds like a forgotten dream, it's time to stop and think: What happened? When did things change? Why do I feel like a hamster on a wheel? Maybe it's time to find a good therapist.......

The King's Stammer

The new film, "The KIng's Speech" is a delight to watch and also a stunning piece of social history. It also brings home to the audience how very difficult it is to speak with a stammer. This morning on BBC Breakfast television, the Chair of the British Stammering Association, Leys Geddes, came to speak about the film and its influence on the British public. What struck me again (as I have written about this before) was how we, as a society, expect everyone to get their message across in double quick time. We are so used to high-speed communication that we interrupt if we are not receiving information quickly enough to suit our multi-tasking world!

I am sure everyone watching Breakfast noticed how the presenters just had to slow down, they had to be patient and wait for Leys to finish his sentences. Otherwise they would have been seen as very insensitive and over bearing. Perhaps people with stammers can teach the rest of us to savour each word we hear, to listen without interrupting before the end of a sentence, to wait patiently for the end of a phrase and to reflect on what they hear. These are things we seem to find difficult, possibly untenable, particularly in business. Think about your conduct on the phone: if there is a silence for more than a millisecond you feel the need to fill it, and a sentence is hardly finished before the interlocator (good word that!) intercepts with their contribution to the conversation.

I hope "The King's Speech" does indeed bring attention to people who stammer, and perhaps allow them a stronger voice. It is only by listening completely and effectively that we can ever hope to understand others.

Finally feeling human again

I had a bout of flu or something nasty, which kept coming and going like a boomerang. I am finally back to feeling human enough to use my fingertips! I have been musing about New Year. I prefer this time - about mid-January - to New Year itself. There seem to be so many assumptions and expectations for New Year, that one moment., and the moment never seems to be as interesting as it should be! As a child, I used to hide behind the sofa as mid-night approached, calling out to my parents, "See you next year hee-hee!" because I was convinced that something dramatic would happen as the clock struck twelve. I wasn't nervous, just anticipatory! I thought the world might blow up and I would find myself somewhere completely different!

Yes, I love that quiet time in January, when everyone and everything is supposed to be silenced and recovering from all the celebrations. I suddenly feel motivated to clear out my cupboards, and clear out my mind. Having got over the crazy rush or working and shopping before Christmas, you can finally find time to relax, and to think, to reflect deeply and to throw loads of things in the bin. I love it! It clears the way for me to decide what I am going to do this year. I have decided on two major things in 2011: I am going to Mexico finally. My brother has lived there for 25 years, and I am ashamed to say I have never visited him. At first, it was because the children were small and Mexico City was too polluted, then there was too much going on with their studies, my work etc and I didn't get round to it, but now the time has come! The other major thing is quite a different journey. I am going to do the Hoffman Process. You may have read about it in journal articles. It is a ten-day psychological course, which explores your past in depth and takes you to places you probably never wanted to go, but being the curious sort of person I am, I have to do it! Apart from this, I have the usual New Year's resolutions, like everyone else. Why do we suddenly feel so virtuous because it is January? I would love to know if you have plans for 2011 - do tell if you dare!

How was your day at work dear?

When was the last time you spoke in depth about your job? Apart from a brief reference to the latest office gossip, what was on the lunch menu, or the fact that the photocopier broke down AGAIN, do you ever talk to your nearest and dearest about the details that fill so many hours of your life? The minutae of a person's work day are articulately recorded and debated in terms of beauty, creativity and something to be proud of, in Alain de Botton's book, "The Pleasures and Sorrows of Work". This book was inspired when the author noted the passion of a few ship spotters who watch industrial ships pass by on their journey, and were intrigued enough by the size and design of such a transporter, that they were willing to spend their free time sitting in the rain with nothing but a thermos for company.

Work is often dismissed as something to get out of the way, something to escape, something to complain about. Yet in these days of growing unemployment and redundancy, perhaps the value of work should be changing. There are always those who are admired for their achievements, be they exceptionally rich or famous, but what of the ordinary everyday worker, the smallest cogs that contribute to the wheel of life?

When I worked in HR, one of my duties was to do a "desk audit". If someone requested an upgrade, part of the process was to sit with the person at their desk while they showed me exactly what they did all day, demonstrating with documents, samples of their work and talking me through their duties. I got the feeling they loved being able to do this and surely never had another opportunity to chat as much about themselves! I found it far more interesting than you might credit. I particularly remember the Chief Editor at WHO, who was fascinated by her job screening every word, phrase and paragraph in great tomes of medical health jargon. I could not imagine a less stimulating job but she adored it!

Alain de Botton has been brave in opening up a new world of interest for his readers. As he points out, hundreds of years ago people knew exactly who made everything they owned and where it came from, but nowadays such is the complexity and the weaving journey of materials in our world, you would be hard pressed to say where anything in your house was made and by whom! It's interesting to stop and think about the work that goes on behind us sometimes. What do you think?

Have you got a Fairy Godmother?

Do you remember those cute little Walt Disney fairies, floating above Cinderella, wielding their wands, sprinkling magic powder and helping Cinderella's dreams come true? Whenever Cinderella felt a bit down (ie she couldn't find an appropriate song to sing) or needed to be assertive (stand up to her ugly sisters) or couldn't find a thing to wear (no ball dresses in her wardrobe!) those FGMs swooped in to help and guide her, and everything turned out alright.

I have several FGMs. They are essential to me when I need help in solving a problem, making a tough decision or simply in thinking things through clearly. When you have been ruminating in circles about something and don't know who to ask, having an FGM is so helpful. Thinking back, I have always had FGMs but didn't really recognize what they were until recently. My first FGM was Mrs Stoner, my piano teacher. We spent more time talking than playing the piano. She told me tales of life in a Belgian boarding school, (where she had to wear a gown in the bath in case she saw her own body!) while I told her about my awful Maths teacher and asked about boyfriend troubles.

Nowadays my FGMs come from different walks of life and I have met them through work, study and hobbies. What makes them different to friends? They are friends, but they also have a very wise stance and they help me think out of the box. They tend to have lots of useful experience and be good listeners, as well as having plenty of empathy. They are always there for me, even though often separated geographically, they seem to know when they need to come swooping in and help me. So far I haven't seen any magic wands or magic powder, but I'm sure they will produce them one day when really needed - maybe if my car is about to turn into a pumpkin?! Are you lucky enough to have a Fairy God Mother?

Are you really listening?

Listening is probably the skill I use most as a counsellor. I often think clients come for counselling just because they need a "good listening to".

I asked my students at an "Introduction to Counselling" session last week to do an exercise where they took it in turns to talk for a few minutes on any subject that interests them, while their partner listened. The most important part of the exercise was that the listener was to close their eyes and not to utter a word or even a sound. The students found this was a very interesting exercise from both points of view. It felt strange not having any interaction, and some of them felt very lonely without the social cues we are used to hearing and seeing while we talk, whatever the context or the subject matter. Some people felt compelled to talk quickly, for fear they would run out of time before they had finished what they wanted to say. The listeners felt very awkward and frustrated, not being able to react. However, some people enjoyed the luxury of talking and being listened to, without constraint.

In our discussions afterwards, we spoke about the way people talk and listen to each other nowadays in general everyday life. It seems rare to feel that you are genuinely being listened to. We need to rush through conversations at work, or even at home, because there is so much else to do. Getting to the end of a sentence is unusual, you expect to be interrupted, especially on the phone. Is it because we are so tuned in to multi-tasking, that we can't complete a conversation before we move on to the next? Is the art of conversation dying? I would love to hear your views.

Wonder woman syndrome: having it all?

Up at the crack of dawn, getting yourself and the family ready for the day, snatching a quick coffee, blazing down the road to get to shcool, then work. Multi-tasking all morning: meetings, e-mail, emergencies, urgencies, phone calls, lunch at desk if you are lucky, squeeze in quick trip to gym after sneaking out of work ten minutes early, to stop feeling guilty about that Twix you grabbed earlier, whiz round supermarket and get mad about having to wait for a dear old lady in the queue in front of you to find her change, use the time to do a few pelvic floor exercises and plan supper, mad dash through rush-hour traffic to child-minder's, just manage to get there on the dot of six, rush home, make supper but realize there is one vital ingredient missing - rice - phone hubbie to ask, beg him to stop on way home to buy some rice, manage to feed kids, do homework with them, switch on TV news, re-heat part of supper while cooking late rice arrival, eat semi-dried up supper, bath kids, who have by now watched double their ration of TV for the day, feel guilty again, so read them one of their favourite (too long) stories, say goodnight, pack bags for tomorrow and do a quick laundry wash, hang up clothes which have been in machine for three days, clear up kitchen, sit down on sofa to finally relax, and realize what the time is - must get to bed or will be exhausted tomorrow!

Does this sound like you or someone you know? Are you suffering from wonder woman syndrome?

If you are still worrying too much.....

Ten questions to ask yourself !

1. Can you pause and do something different?
2. What are your symptoms and can you relieve them?
3. Is negative self-talk making you feel worse?
4. Are you trying too hard to be perfect?
5. Are you multi-tasking without focus?
6. Is a control issue involved?
7. Are you taking on too much?
8. Are you being assertive enough?
9. When was the last time you relaxed or did some exercise?
10. Can you see the big picture clearly?

Worrying is in the past!

Do you find that since you had children you tend to worry more? Anxieties are linked to past or future events. You either worry about something you have said or done - "did I teach him to say please?" or about something which hasn't happened yet, "How's he going to do at his new school?" If you can focus on the present, whether it's taking the kids to school or writing a difficult e-mail, solving a problem or putting out a fire, anxiety won't be driving you. Getting into the habit of leaving your mobile phone off while you enjoy a meal, or only answering e-mail at pre-planned times of the day, you will be able to concentrate better by being single-minded, rather than multi-tasking.

Going back to those questions you ask yourself when you are anxious, do they start with an "Oh, no" thought or feeling. A negative experience in your past will leave an indelible impression on you which comes back as a bad feeling every time you are in a similar situation. For example, if you used to get into trouble for being late for school every morning, you received a message which told you "You must not be late: only bad children are late." In later life, whenever you think there is a possibility you could be late to work, you get one of those "Oh, no" feelings which throws you into an anxious panic. Your anxiety stops you from thinking straight, and probably makes you late anyway.

You can re-train yourself to treat those feelings more rationally and positively and cut down both on anxiety and on being late! Replace that "Oh no" feeling with a different thought, like "I can be on time. I'm usually punctual, and even if I am a little late it won't be the end of the world." Negative self-talk is a bad habit which you can change in the same way as smoking or eating too much chocolate. It's not easy because these habits are deeply embedded, but it is possible. Counselling can help you with this. Think about the positive outcomes of changing the habit - you will worry less and start living more!

Sally Storr works as a psychotherapist and career counsellor and dealing with anxiety is of special interest to her.

Living in the moment

What is mindfulness? There isn't a short answer, but it's about living in the moment. Not for the moment, because that implies each and every moment is wonderful, and it is not. It's about being present, being aware of what is happening and recognizing this, without judgement and without needing to change it or act on it.

We are so tied up with our busy lives, that we barely have time to stop and think about anything, it's always about doing. If you become mindful, you focus on what you are doing without distraction. Mindfulness meditation involves becoming aware of yourself at your most restful, just focusing all your senses on your own breathe, the centre of your life. It is a very useful exercise in getting back to basics, understanding why we are here and in sorting out who we are.

Find a quiet spot and do this exercise without thinking of anything else: take a raisin (or another very small, insignificant dried fruit). Give it all your attention for a full minute. Look at it, hold it up to the light, notice its colour, its texture, listen to it, smell it, feel it, and finally bite into it. It will taste like a small explosion in your mouth.

Why do I want you to do this? How can one small raisin teach you anything useful in the context of reducing anxiety? You will have to wait until tomorrow to find out.

"Worry less, live more!"

If you get invited to go and give a talk at one of your favourite health spas with dinner, bed, breakfast and full use of the spa facilites thrown in, you jump at it! Well, in my case, swim at it! I now visit Champneys at Henlow Grange about once a fortnight to stun my ever refreshed audience there with tips for reducing anxiety.

The point is these people have gone to Champneys for a reason. They are usually worn out by their activity on the hamster wheel of life, fed-up to here (chest-height and also swimming bath height) with work, work, work, and domestic chores, demanding children, shopping, couch potato husbands, the hoover breaking down, the car fuel tank being empty (yet again) - you know how it is, they just have to drop everything and take a break in a peaceful, quiet, calm setting, where they can be pampered and sleep, sleep sleep, until going back to the real world.

Sigh! After a long day of relaxing and a delicious (but healthy of course) dinner, what do they want to do? Go to the bar - there isn't one! It's a choice between going to bed and watching the telly, or coming to listen to me - well, those who still have energy left at 9pm. Neeless to say, these people are looking forward to changing their entire life in an hour.

I can't promise to do that but we have a very interesting discussion about some of the main reasons we worry and how to put things back into perspective. For example, we are socialized to be perfect in everything we do these days, so the more we do, the more perfect we have to be. If we can't achieve top marks in all areas, we let ourselves down, we try again, we try harder, and worry far too much. Our society is so achievement based that we can't see beyond getting it all 100% right. And we need the approval of those around us, be it partners, colleagues, bosses, even our children. This need starts at school and doesn't stop in the world of work.

Another thing which makes us worry far too much is when we feel the need to control everything going on in our lives. If we lose control, or feel we have lost it, this makes us very anxious. I know myself that getting organized is vital for a busy woman, but when does good organization become control?

Enough said for now. I would love to hear other people's views on these two reasons for anxiety. Do you think we have become a perfectionist society? Are we more obsessed with controlling our lives than letting things go? Tomorrow I will talk about mindfulness, something which helps me put balance back into my life.

Why bother with pilates?

Do you ever forget you have a body? Are you living life so much in your head that you can't remember what you had for your last meal, or even when?!?!?

If you are caught up in the hamster wheel of work, even if you love it, sometimes you can ignore the warning signs from your body: those gnawing pains and noises from your stomach which say "I'm hungry"; a headache caused by not drinking enough; aches and pains in your neck and shoulders caused by hunching over the PC too long. Any of those sound familiar?

I was lucky enough to be offered Pilates classes at lunchtime when I worked at the World Health Organization. Becoming aware of my body and my physical well-being not only made me feel better, it also lifted my spirits, and allowed me to focus better when I got back to my desk.

It is only when something goes drastically wrong that we become body aware. I come across cases like this again and again. Last week, I heard about a family of workaholics who changed their entire life-style because the father had a major heart attack and nearly died, and his daughter had a nervous breakdown. You don't need to go that far before you decide to look after yourself.

Pilates is an ideal way to start. It involves gentle but powerful exercise to strengthen your core muscles (those round the belly and lower back) so as to improve your posture (for example, hunched shoulders and sticking out tums), prevent injury and allow you to function more efficiently on a daily basis. I love it because focusing the mind very precisely on the exercise you are doing is very relaxing.

That's why I decided to do an intensive 6-month course in Pilates Instruction. I now understand how the joints and muscles work, why we need to strengthen the core and how getting a better posture is so beneficial. It is suitable for everyone of any age. One of my physiotherapist teachers told us that practically all injury can be avoided or lessened by improving the posture, and almost all injury can be cured by movement. So what are you waiting for? Try it out!

More than a photo of a man and his dog.....

Why am I running to raise money for Cancer Research next weekend?

Nigel was a very modest man. I didn't see him often because he lived most of his working life in Canada and I lived in Switzerland, but we had some wonderful family holidays in Nova Scotia, and spent some time making sand-castles with small children on this particular beach.

Nigel was a man of simple tastes. He loved walking his dogs and bird-watching. This photo just sums him up.

I knew Tom was a good photographer, but it was only when I recently visited Nova Scotia, that I saw the breadth of Tom's work. He took many subjects, mainly of nature and wildlife, and filed them all meticulously. The family home is full of random pictures, all breath-takingly poignant.

I picked out this one and had it framed - it will always be with me. Nigel is forever walking his dog on the beach, and Tom is there, unseen in the background, observing the world and seeing its beauty.

My brother and my nephew were lost to cancer within two years of each other. Life is too short and we need to be reminded that we should stop, smell the salt in the sea, listen to the relentless waves and feel the breeze on our faces.

Climb every mountain....I did it!

My two good schoolfriends, Dorinda and Carolyn, wanted to do something different to celebrate our "rather big" birthdays this year! Nothing easy or relaxing, no, they twisted my arm into cycling round Cork for a week. Never one to refuse a challenge, I'd always wanted to visit Ireland. However, about six miles on a bike in a day was my limit.

I managed to clock up about one hundred and fifty miles in six days - about twenty five a day, plus all the extra bits where we either got lost or followed the signposts (which are all wrong!). Dorinda is an intrepid adventurer and she designed the trip, but didn't realize that Irish maps tend to show the pubs but not the road numbers...... oh, well, we got back didn't we (and drnak lots of Guiness too!)? No accidents to report, only beautiful scenery, lots of very barky dogs, and astounded looking cows (they obviously don't see many humans in the course of their day)and a wonderful Irish breakfast every day to keep us moving!

We stayed at completely unknown and diverse B and Bs each night, varying from large welcoming farmhouses, through to sadly worn little dives which seemed to have got stuck in the 1970s. On our first night, we climbed a very steep mountain to get to a desolate spot, and decided in advance we would rather forego supper than have to climb down and back up again before sleep. How fortunate we were that our delightful landlady, Mary, of Findus Farm, Kilnamartyra, provided freshly backed scones and tea on our arrival. I'm sure they were the best scones I have ever tasted!

The low spot of our week was probably Thursday evening when we were searching out another B and B farmhouse at Kilkgren, near Clonakilty. The fine, mist-like rain, turned to huge drops and gradually soaked us. We were standing on top of Bare Mountain, or so it seemed, poring over the sodden map, water dripping down every available little nook or cranny in our clothing, the wind blowing wildly across us, and not one motorist in the entire region knew how to find Springfield House. Fortunately, another dear landlady, Maureen, came out in her car to guide us and allowed us to drip all over her gorgeous Georgian farmhouse. What a relief!

Those hills were very frequent, and you could never predict how much longer you would be going up and round a bend before the wonderful moment when you reached the peak and could stop panting and just let go....wheeee down again!!! An Irish cycling holiday is full of uncertainty, with as many peaks as troughs, and you never know what you will find round the next corner. A grand reflection of life itself, uplifting and enriching in every changing moment of travel. And with a gel saddle cover and lined biking shorts, I didn't even get to Akin' Bum!

Life as a Triflyer

I have been trying to think how to describe my evolving career in an easy title. Juggler? No, it sounds as though I work in a circus. Portfoilo-er? No, far too awkward. As my business is called "Blue Sky Reflections" I think I will settle for "Tri-flyer" and stay with the metaphore which suggests looking upwards and flying!

What do I mean by Triflyer? Well, it rhymes with "highflier" and we all like that description, filled with optimism and ambition. The "tri" refers to three ways, like "Tri-athlon", where you compete in 3 sports. I am dividing my time, not always equally, between three main functions. I've never been the sort of person who can sit behind a desk for 8 hours or more a day, focusing completely on one thing. Variety is the spice of life, as far as I'm concerned, which means I enjoy every day for what it brings, and I get a balance between activities which feeds my need to be both active and reflective in my work.

So what are my three work activities? My main one is career counselling, and whatever goes with it, so I see private clients as well as groups for workshops and I visit organizations to train employees with work-related issues such as team-building, stress management, mentoring and coaching. I really enjoy working with people, collaborating and exploring how best to develop and progress. As soon as I have appointments these form the scaffolding of my calendar.

My second function is as an Associate Lecturer for The Open University. The OU is such a flexible body that both students and tutors work on-line or by telephone in their own time. We meet about once a month for tutorials, and much as I love reading and working virtually, it's lovely to see the people face to face.

The third strand of my working week is still developing. I have just qualified as a Pilates teacher. Pilates is a fantastic form of exercise, which strengthens the core muscles and mobilizes the joints. It is also incredibly relaxing. My classes will be aimed at people who need to function better in their everyday lives by releasing tension and feeling their physical best.

For me, living a healthy life has to incorporate physical movement, intellectual stimulation and creativity. I am lucky that as a Triflyer I am able to achieve this as well as weaving in time to devote to voluntary work and to friends and family. It's important to practice what you preach, and as a careers counsellor I like to help people understand what suits them best and how they would be happiest spending their time. My lifestyle would not suit everyone, and it has taken several decades to achieve it. On the other hand, there are as many lifestyles as there are people - you just have to discover the right one for you! It is not easy to do that, given the demands put upon us by today's society: it's all rush, rush, talk, talk, work, work! Maybe I'm just a Maverick! Anyway, as the ad says, "I'm luvvin' it!"

Have a Blue Skies career - you deserve it!

Blue sky: competency-based interviews

Are you competent to do the job?

When did you last time sit an interview for work? If you were faced with a “competency-based” interview would you know how to prepare for it?

Competency-based interviewing is currently used by many companies and organizations to select the right candidate for the job. What does it mean? Well, a job description is usually based upon a set of “competencies” which are considered necessary to effectively carry out the tasks linked to a job. They can cover a whole set of abilities which apart from technical skills can include things as diverse as communication skills, teamwork, creating and maintaining relationships with people, managing oneself, producing results, and managing change. The job description or vacancy notice usually carry these and they will give you some clues about the type of interview questions you will have to answer.

Competency-based questions work around the tenet that you need to demonstrate that you have the required skill by producing evidence in the form of an example. A traditional interview may include a question like:

“What would you do if you were faced with a difficult customer?”

The candidate may answer with:

“I would always be calm and give good service.”

This may be true but how does the potential employer know without any evidence? By contrast, in a competency-based interview you would be asked:

“Tell me about a time when you were faced with a difficult customer. What did you do and what was the outcome?”

If you don’t have an authentic example prepared, this can be truly challenging. However, if you sit down with a list of the competencies required and think back to some of the projects and tasks you have done in your job, and in previous jobs you are bound to come up with at least one or two examples which you can re-produce at interview. You will need to prepare several examples for each type of competency so as to be thoroughly prepared. Each response can become an anecdote, so the skill is in the telling too.

A good example of a response to the above question might be:

“Yes, when I was working at Oldhams as Departmental Manager, there was a situation with a man who became very abusive because we would not give him his money back for a faulty kettle. The problem was that his guarantee was well out of date. In the end, I calmed the customer down by listening to the him and I gave him a credit note. Fortunately, he came back and bought a much more expensive kettle!”

This response answers all the parts of the question and clearly demonstrates the candidate’s attitude towards customer service.

You can learn more about interviewing techniques through Blue Sky Reflections at:

www.blueskyreflections.com